Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Today's Lessons...

I think it is important to learn new things all the time. I was just sitting here watching Milton pluck burs ( aka cockle burs aka sticktights according to Bryan) out of his fur and drop them onto the floor...the floor that I just swept. It didn't really bother me, I've given up on trying to keep this floor clean. But as soon as he dropped them on the floor, he tried to eat them. And he tried to eat them more than once. I just watched him pick one up and flop it around his mouth and spit it out. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Why does he not remember it isn't food each time? Why, look at all the things I learned today and have filed away for future reference...

This morning I was able to confirm that if you are dreaming that a spider is crawling up your leg, chances are it is really happening to you while you are sleeping. Please do not confuse this with the other lesson I recently learned: If you are dreaming you are at an all night rave, in reality your baby has figured out how to bash her obnoxious, "soothing" crib toy that flashes lights and plays techno music with her tiny militant fist in the middle of night.

And yesterday I learned that when I want to bake cookies, I must look in the bowl of my standing mixer before filling it with ingredients. Unless, of course, I am making Box Elder Bug cookies, in which case I can just pour the ingredients in and stir away. From now on the bowl must be checked and washed before each use, or I can no longer store it in its original home.

Sadly, I did not immediately apply this newly acquired knowledge to other areas. This morning I decided to have a quick snack in the form of a Clementine (aka a Cutie aka the Christmas Orange). When I snatched one from the bowl I saw a dark spot on it. I assumed it was some sort of Cutie-rot and set it down. When I set it down I saw that it was in fact not Cutie-rot. See picture at right.

You can imagine my disappointment. You are probably also wondering why I photographed it. Somehow texting "NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE BUGS. FOUND A BUG ON MY CUTIE" to Bryan didn't quite seem to accomplish what exactly I was trying to get across.

Unlike Milton, I do plan to apply this knowledge I acquired yesterday and today to many aspects of my life here in the country. From now on I will check all bowls, fresh fruits, and drinking glasses for rogue insects. I will also watch the floor while I am walking barefoot in the middle of the night. Please note: Box Elder bugs are prevalent in the city as well, so don't question my lifestyle.

I also learned that smells in my new house mean different things than they did in my house in they city. For example, in the morning when I smelled bacon, I learned that it is never actually going to be bacon. The smokey, mesquite smell I will be sniffing will be my dogs smelling of smoke from the woodstove. Our home, and hot water is heated exclusively by wood in an outdoor woodstove (feel free to take mental note of the size of it. I am comforted knowing I have finally achieved my dream of having a place where I can dispose of a body) as illustrated here. And each morning (and night) Bryan makes sure its full of wood before leaving for work. Our loyal dogs feel they must accompany Bryan over to the stove to help load it (I suppose out here we call that stoking? or stokin?). Which leaves them with the lingering smokey smell of what you would think would be a campfire smell, but has a definite hint of Mesquite or KC BBQ to it. So you can understand how I would get excited when I awoke to the smell, and then upon learning what the source of the smell was, briefly contemplated eating my pets. So actually, if you think about it that's really 2 lessons, isn't it? 1.) The smokey smell of morning bacon is your dogs. 2.) Do not eat your dogs.

And if you're worried that the wood bunker looks a little bare in the above photo, no worries. Annabelle and I won't be cold. I enjoy the view of this GIANT woodpile each morning while I sip my coffee.
Now that I think about it, Bryan smells like that Mesquite BBQ smell when he comes in at night. So lets just call that lesson #3. Should Armageddon or an Alive-esque situation occur, both the dogs and Bryan should know that they all smell like a pork sandwich and I cannot be held responsible for my actions.

Look at all the things I learned! So what the hell is Milton's problem?

1 comment:

  1. You are a talented writer. Brilliant, heartfelt story - appeals to my country soul.